Saturday, December 20, 2014

Redefining TTWD?

When Seth and I first started dating I was in a bad place. I wasn't eating or sleeping. I had some really bad habits that were tearing my body apart. I have never drank nor smoked but things like skipping meals or not taking medication were my weaknesses. I was in a world of emotional pain for several reasons. I was unsteady and unsure of myself. I had zero self confidence and I was headed straight into a downward spiral that I wouldn't have been able to come out of.

Seth was very different from any of the other guys that I dated. We come from very different backgrounds and had different friend groups. I didn't even know he existed until we were introduced. We went to the same high school and probably crossed paths dozens of times but I had no clue who he was. We spent time talking to each other and got to know each other over the course of a few weeks. We had no intention to start dating but somehow, some way, I absolutely fell in love with him. Within two weeks I knew he was who I was going to spend my life with. He made me feel safe and secure. He pulled me out of my shell and boosted my self confidence. With him I felt stronger than I had ever felt in my life.

Many months later, after discussions and several events we began TTWD. At the time we didn't know to call it dd, there were no vocabulary words to describe it. It was just a way to help me break some of those bad habits and to start over. I had so much holding me back and ttwd did help me break down several walls. It made us grow closer. It made each of us more blunt with certain matters. We were able to really talk to each other and help each other. When we started out, we really didn't have "rules". My "rules" were common sense. Things like eat proper meals, take medication, don't text and drive and things of that nature. I can say that our rules are safety or wellbeing oriented. Of course respect and not throwing things at his head (Id never do that) are also givens. We didn't have any guidelines, things were just tailored to our problems and goals.

4 (almost 5) years later ttwd is pretty much the same. While I do not struggle with those issues as severely, I do struggle still. When I am stressed beyond my breaking point I forget meals. I slip up from time to time but I am human. I am far from perfect. While I have never bratted or done anything drastic like drank and drive, I find myself a little down over the fact that I do still slip up.

I was looking back over our years together and I do notice a huge difference in each of us. We grew up ALOT. We both have matured and our attitudes have mellowed. During year one I got alot of the icky punishment types of spankings. We have always (kind of) done some sort of maintenance but year one and two were rough. I was not nearly as mellow, plus I had stressors that I no longer have now. My big slip ups this year happened while Seth was away. The stress and pain that I went trough while he was gone caused me to slip and skip meals and not sleep. Once he got back we did deal with those things (I survived!) but after that was said and done, we have just done maintenance and everything is calm. I have dropped from three a week (evil man) to one a week again. Those are mainly just to keep us on track and my stress at bay. My heart is in a good place with "us".

Because I talk to myself (inwardly) I had major revelations that I was going to type out so that they would make more sense but my attention span is that of a squirrel today. I think what I have landed on is the fact that I shouldn't feel bad about myself. Im not childish. Im not immature. I have matured quite a bit. While I still do have those weak spots, I realized that I handle them so much easier now. TTWD is pretty much the same although I thought in half a decade it would have changed. It is here for the same reasons but my poor husband isn't being ran ragged.

I feel confident in saying time and experience helped us grow closer together and also mature and grow as our own persons. I can also say that I think TTWD had a part in these things also. Who knows where we would be if we hadn't incorporated ttwd into our relationship. I am happy with where we are now and thankful that I wound up with a man who is strong enough to keep me stable but sweet enough not to strangle me while attempting to do so.


Monday, December 15, 2014

Adventures await!

I meant to write a post earlier but I kept forgetting or getting sidetracked. We moved, successfully. We were supposed to move the 4th but on the 1st I got a text from my loving husband saying we were going to be moving that night. I was very okay with the idea. We had all of our stuff taken the 28th of November so all I had to manage was what was in the car. We stayed one night with my mom, one  night in a hotel in a nearby town, one night in a hotel where we are now and then finally we were able to move into the house we are living in now.

I am a pretty flexible person. I adapt to change pretty well for the most part and I feel as though, those who know me would agree. A week before we left, we had a totally different apartment, we didn't know we weren't going to get to live there until two hours before we were supposed to be handed the keys to it. I did get stressed because I didn't know what was going on but I'm proud to say we survived.

When we left we had the car loaded full and didn't have room for a crate for the cat. So, she made the trip upon what ever she decided was suitable. She slept near my feet for a while and occasionally ventured back to find cubbies she could fit in. I have to laugh when I look at this photo because when we first started out she wasn't sure if she was okay with Seth's driving. However, she got used to the curves and bumps and slept most of the time.

While this move and transition has been overwhelming, I am happy to say that all three of us made it and are thriving.