Monday, September 22, 2014

To be perfectly Honest

I have debated, over the past couple days, what I was going to post next. I deleted all my old blog posts so all my background information got erased, although I didn't have an awful lot to begin with.

For those that don't already know, we started DD in 2010 so this is our fourth year. We got married in 2013 (best choice I have ever made). We started dd young and we also got married young and I am sure glad we did. I feel very confident that our marriage is solid and that we can take on anything that is thrown at us. I say this because we have had an awful lot thrown at us and we are closer and stronger now than we have ever been. Each day that passes I realize that I love the crazy man even more than the day before. I don't know where I would be without him. I sure wouldn't be here.

I had mentioned before that I am bitter. I have a tendency to hide how bad things are. I will smile and say I am okay when really I hurt so bad I am having issues staying conscious. I realize that I need to be more honest with myself before I can be honest with others. So, this is where this post is headed. This is for me to get my thoughts out. I promise not all of my posts will be this much of a downer haha.

I am bitter for a few reasons. Mainly, I just don't understand why things happen. I suffered a really traumatic event when I was 12. I would love to blurt out exactly what happened but I'm not ready to do that in blogland. I have PTSD from this situation and blocked a lot of things out of my memory. I have flashbacks to this day although they are not nearly as bad as they were back then. Seth, for the longest time, just could not wrap his head around why this thing would still be haunting me all these years later. The reason why is because I was 12, I didn't tell anyone. I kept my mouth shut and I felt guilty. That guilt is what plagues me. Also, I recently had something trigger a memory that reminded me that the situation was far far worse than what I had told Seth. I spent years in sheer terror that something else would happen. I never felt safe and I had good reason not to. I got to really talk to Seth about things the other night and it helped a lot. He now understands why I am so "messed up" with what happened. He has been super helpful and understanding but I think I am more bitter about this than I have been in a long time. I am older and I see things more clearly. There is so much that would make more sense if I explained the situation but that may be for another day.

Besides that, I got bit by a tick (well two ticks) when I was younger. One had to be cut out of the skin because it was in so deep. A couple weeks later I got really sick and just couldn't shake how sick I was. BOTH of my parents are in the medical field and neither one of them thought to take me to the doctor. I continued to get sick. I lost weight and most of my muscle mass. I have spent the past decade in and out of specialist trying to find out why I was so sick. I have dealt with migraines that made me cough up blood, lose vision, double over because the pain was so bad I couldn't function. I spent months huddled up in my closet because that was the only place dark enough I could stand. My organ systems "glitched" for lack of a better word. My heart went through a phase of getting stuck at 180-200 beats per minute while I was resting. I have neurological issues. For a couple of years, I honestly wasn't so sure Id survive week to week. I was really sick and noone could tell me what was wrong. I have a joint/ligament disease that we didn't know I had until I lost my muscle, so my joints dislocate really easy. It is painful and annoying but isn't that big of a deal. However, because of being sick, on top of the joint disease, I am constantly in pain. I wake up and have to force myself to breathe through it. I have learned to live with it and can carry out my day like nothing is wrong. DD works out just fine with all of this because I am a whole lot better now. The pain is there but dd doesn't make it worse. If I am having a bad day where the pain gets overwhelming, dd goes on hold. I JUST recently found out why I had been so sick. This is why I am bitter and angry. I have/had lyme disease. I could have avoided the past decade of just wishing God would let me die if my parents had taken me to the doctor when I first got sick. Now, since it has been so long, treatment most likely will not do anything. I have post lyme disease syndrome which means that the lyme disease is no longer active but the symptoms are. So, in short, I get to live like this for the rest of my life. I didn't want to admit that I was angry at my parents. That was 10 years ago. I can't change the past by being angry but I am beyond angry.

If I am being 100 percent honest with myself. I am bitter with my parents. I am mainly angry with my father but also my mother. My father was an overbearing abusive jerk, yet had he not been, I would have told them about what happened when I was 12. I would not have went through half of the things that I went through had they been available for me to speak to them. Had they been more attentive and taken me to a doctor, I would not be dealing with complicated Lyme disease 10 years after a tick bite. Had they been actual parents, my life would not have been quite so painful.

I also realize, had all of the crap that has happened, not have happened, I would never have met Seth, we would not have connected the way we did and I would not have married him so young. When I think of that, I am a little grateful for the things that I went through. I am blessed with a man who married me even though he knew I would be sick for the rest of my life. He deals with all my quirks and short comings and still thinks Im adorable. That is why I need to work so hard to let go of the things that cause me to be bitter. Those things do not deserve to take any of my attention away from my future that I have with Seth. The next 10 years will be better than the last and I must focus on that. I can find comfort in the fact that we both have survived so much as children, and still more as a couple. Together we can do anything so what ever life has in store, I am confident we will be just fine.





ps. I apologize if that came out rambly. My thoughts aren't fully together lately and this is my attempt to make sense out of everything.

6 comments:

  1. Keep sharing! I look forward to getting to know you better!

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  2. Hey Maddie. I'm so sorry for what happened to you! About the lyme disease, there is a story online, Justin and Krista. I watched their video. It's an hour long and you may not have time for it but maybe hearing their story will help you? Krista has a blog also, I haven't been in a long time but if you google enough you'll probably find it. I hope you can find a way to deal with the bitterness so it doesn't rob YOU of joy. Hang in there.

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    1. I will check it out. Thank you very much.

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  3. Hey Maddie. Sorry I missed your first ( but not first) post last week. Susie sent me here ( guess you already know how bossy she can be!)

    I can't fathom what life must be like with PTSD. I do have a couple of friends who suffer, all I can do is listen. I know both of them have said, " it happened to me but it isn't me" Some days I know they both fight to believe that too. Some days that is all you can do I'd imagine.

    As for your parents, I think your anger is a stage you need to go through. Perhaps some day you will forgive your dad, or perhaps you won't. Remember though, that forgiveness is for YOU not for him...so hopefully you can move on. I have never experienced the adversity with my parents that you felt with yours so it is easier for me to say than would be for you to do. I just hope that some day the bitterness will leave so your heart will feel lighter.

    Many of us have varying degrees of pain from our past that we have had to or are continually working through. It is definitely easier with your soul mate by your side!

    willie.

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    1. Willie,
      I like your little quote. That is true and it is something I am learning. PTSD is a bear and can be overwhelming. It is frustrating to say the least. As for the anger, I think as time goes by it will die down but as you said, it is a stage I need to go through.

      Thank you for your kind words!

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