Friday, September 19, 2014

New Beginning

I had it in mind at the beginning of my blogging experience that I would be consistent and blogging would be super helpful for getting my thoughts out and understanding myself more. I decided to start my blog over because Seth and I have to start over. Nothing will be the same and that is okay. Our normality got ripped away from us a few months ago and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have been in a constant state of terror for so long and I'm honestly tired. I am exhausted.

I am trying to deal with a whole lot of not knowing. I am not a control freak and can thrive on flying by the seat of my pants. I mold to change really well and what ever happens, everything will be okay. Although I know that, I am still sick and worried that something will go wrong. I worry over stupid things and I have put myself in a horrible situation these past few months.

What I do know is that we will be starting over once he gets home. That is both exciting and scary. We will be starting over with TTWD but also in a lot of other aspects. New house, new state, possibly new country. We actually get to skype now so we have gotten to talk over things and we both think that letting go of everything is the best course of action. So, tada, new blog posts.

I'm really not sure what to expect when he returns home. I trust him and know he has a good head on his shoulders but I get to live in a state of not knowing what the heck is going on. He hasn't been horribly clear on what he means and that is killing me. He said he would "do better" but I don't know what he means.

I think I want expectations and goals to work towards because everything else around me is not tied down. Nothing is safe, nothing is secure. I have a fault of not being horribly clear either. I want to hide my pain so that it doesn't look as bad as it is. If I am perfectly honest with myself, I am terrified. I am hurting and I am bitter. In no way am I bitter towards Seth. He is a blessing. He is amazing.

So, I have no clue how the next few months will go but I am going to be okay with that. I am getting back to blogging because it is a way for me to unscramble my thoughts. I am sure things will be more interesting once he returns but for now I just really need to get my thoughts and emotions in order so that when he does come home, we can start that new beginning on a solid foundation.


13 comments:

  1. Maddie...it is good to see you! I'll be by to listen to your thoughts whenever you feel like talking about it all.

    Hey, if you have a minute, send me a quick email (can't find your address in your profile). I have a quick question for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Maddie,

    Wow, sounds like you are going through LOTS of change... That can be super scary and hard but if you do it together, that should help. Sorry to hear you are going through so much at once, take deep breaths and take one moment at a time. The good news is you are not alone and with your Seth at your side and blog land here to listen (or I guess read) your thoughts and struggles we can cheer you on as well. :0)

    Plus starting over can be fun too... Once you get past all the scary stuff. Fresh start, cleaning out the old and bringing in the new. Could just be a fun adventure! :0)

    Prayers and happy thoughts heading your way!

    Hugs,
    Irish Lucky

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Irish,
      Thank you. These are the things I'm trying to focus on. New things can be fun. As long as we are stationed together I will be happy. If he gets sent somewhere I can't go I will need a padded room.

      Thank you!

      Delete
  3. Maddie...welcome back! :-)

    Obviously, we do not know what you are struggling with, without/outside of Seth, nor why you are bitter, but I think you are on the right path if your goal is to resolve those things before his return. It's difficult to let go of things that cause strong negative reactions in us. It's more difficult to move forward into a better place if we don't let go of those things. I often call it throwing out the garbage instead of letting it rot and stink up the place. ;-) (Easier said than done, of course.)

    So, Seth is being Mr. Cryptic? I know a man like that. ;-) Maybe he isn't certain yet exactly what he intends to do or how best to do it, but it sounds as though "do better" is on his priority list. Communication, as we all know and have had shoved down our throats, is crucial in doing things better. Don't drive home that point too hard, and keep in mind you may not need to know everything he is thinking and planning, but I think it's important that he knows you feel...uncertain and afraid or nervous about what is to come, and ask that he shares some of his plans and thoughts with you.

    Just food for thought, offered up by just another gal who tinkers around with her own ways of trying to do better. :-) Hugs!

    Irishey

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Irishey,
      I am most certainly working on taking out trash so to speak. My bitterness is caused by a few things that have happened (some when I was really little) but are still affecting me today. Some are physical. Those I am struggling with and it is so much harder when he isn't here.

      Seth is always a little cryptic I think. With this, a lot of it has to do with opportunity. He feels like he can't do anything and hes right to a certain extent. However, I wrote out a list of things I am having problems with or think I need to work on. His reaction was to say "ah, yes, we will work on this." That is great, I will have help working on it but I need help NOW. Not just two months from now. I haven't quite decided how Im going to get him to talk to me. I don't even know if that is possible to do. haha

      Thank you for your food for thought. It helps.

      Delete
  4. Hey Maddie,
    I'm sorry you are hurting. Bitterness is a hard thing to overcome but you can do it. I hope you can find a good source of support while Seth is away and that when he gets home the two of you can communicate your needs to each other well. Han in there! I will add your blog to mine. :) and hopefully get you some visitors.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. Haha I was not expecting all the support when I sat down to write this post. This alone helps a ton. Thank you.

      Delete
    2. You bet. I am Shades of Scarlet if you ever want to stop by. No pressure. Zekesbestgirl.wordpress.com

      Delete
  5. I was in a similar place almost 2 years ago. My husband was deployed again. We had started to make changes in our marriage before he left but I didn't agree to TTWD until after he had been gone months. He has been home just over a year and things are GOOD. Really good. The time apart gave us a chance to grow together and talk openly. But man, it sucked at times. I never felt so alone in my life. I looked all over blogland for couples who do this long distance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are right about the distance. It is easier to be open. It does suck though. I am hoping and praying he doesn't deploy anywhere. He needs to come home. Where ever home is in December. Im glad things are working so well for you two.

      Delete
    2. We would have "normal" talks on Skype and then I would unload other thoughts in an email after we hung up. LOL There is just something about looking at him and talking about TTWD kind of stuff that makes me trip over my own tongue. ;)

      Delete
    3. Haha that is exactly how I am. Also, theres the fact that there are two other guys in his room. He can't say a whole lot and I don't want them to overhear things. I do my best talking when Im not looking directly at him.

      Delete