I had it in mind at the beginning of my blogging experience that I would be consistent and blogging would be super helpful for getting my thoughts out and understanding myself more. I decided to start my blog over because Seth and I have to start over. Nothing will be the same and that is okay. Our normality got ripped away from us a few months ago and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have been in a constant state of terror for so long and I'm honestly tired. I am exhausted.
I am trying to deal with a whole lot of not knowing. I am not a control freak and can thrive on flying by the seat of my pants. I mold to change really well and what ever happens, everything will be okay. Although I know that, I am still sick and worried that something will go wrong. I worry over stupid things and I have put myself in a horrible situation these past few months.
What I do know is that we will be starting over once he gets home. That is both exciting and scary. We will be starting over with TTWD but also in a lot of other aspects. New house, new state, possibly new country. We actually get to skype now so we have gotten to talk over things and we both think that letting go of everything is the best course of action. So, tada, new blog posts.
I'm really not sure what to expect when he returns home. I trust him and know he has a good head on his shoulders but I get to live in a state of not knowing what the heck is going on. He hasn't been horribly clear on what he means and that is killing me. He said he would "do better" but I don't know what he means.
I think I want expectations and goals to work towards because everything else around me is not tied down. Nothing is safe, nothing is secure. I have a fault of not being horribly clear either. I want to hide my pain so that it doesn't look as bad as it is. If I am perfectly honest with myself, I am terrified. I am hurting and I am bitter. In no way am I bitter towards Seth. He is a blessing. He is amazing.
So, I have no clue how the next few months will go but I am going to be okay with that. I am getting back to blogging because it is a way for me to unscramble my thoughts. I am sure things will be more interesting once he returns but for now I just really need to get my thoughts and emotions in order so that when he does come home, we can start that new beginning on a solid foundation.