Monday, September 22, 2014

To be perfectly Honest

I have debated, over the past couple days, what I was going to post next. I deleted all my old blog posts so all my background information got erased, although I didn't have an awful lot to begin with.

For those that don't already know, we started DD in 2010 so this is our fourth year. We got married in 2013 (best choice I have ever made). We started dd young and we also got married young and I am sure glad we did. I feel very confident that our marriage is solid and that we can take on anything that is thrown at us. I say this because we have had an awful lot thrown at us and we are closer and stronger now than we have ever been. Each day that passes I realize that I love the crazy man even more than the day before. I don't know where I would be without him. I sure wouldn't be here.

I had mentioned before that I am bitter. I have a tendency to hide how bad things are. I will smile and say I am okay when really I hurt so bad I am having issues staying conscious. I realize that I need to be more honest with myself before I can be honest with others. So, this is where this post is headed. This is for me to get my thoughts out. I promise not all of my posts will be this much of a downer haha.

I am bitter for a few reasons. Mainly, I just don't understand why things happen. I suffered a really traumatic event when I was 12. I would love to blurt out exactly what happened but I'm not ready to do that in blogland. I have PTSD from this situation and blocked a lot of things out of my memory. I have flashbacks to this day although they are not nearly as bad as they were back then. Seth, for the longest time, just could not wrap his head around why this thing would still be haunting me all these years later. The reason why is because I was 12, I didn't tell anyone. I kept my mouth shut and I felt guilty. That guilt is what plagues me. Also, I recently had something trigger a memory that reminded me that the situation was far far worse than what I had told Seth. I spent years in sheer terror that something else would happen. I never felt safe and I had good reason not to. I got to really talk to Seth about things the other night and it helped a lot. He now understands why I am so "messed up" with what happened. He has been super helpful and understanding but I think I am more bitter about this than I have been in a long time. I am older and I see things more clearly. There is so much that would make more sense if I explained the situation but that may be for another day.

Besides that, I got bit by a tick (well two ticks) when I was younger. One had to be cut out of the skin because it was in so deep. A couple weeks later I got really sick and just couldn't shake how sick I was. BOTH of my parents are in the medical field and neither one of them thought to take me to the doctor. I continued to get sick. I lost weight and most of my muscle mass. I have spent the past decade in and out of specialist trying to find out why I was so sick. I have dealt with migraines that made me cough up blood, lose vision, double over because the pain was so bad I couldn't function. I spent months huddled up in my closet because that was the only place dark enough I could stand. My organ systems "glitched" for lack of a better word. My heart went through a phase of getting stuck at 180-200 beats per minute while I was resting. I have neurological issues. For a couple of years, I honestly wasn't so sure Id survive week to week. I was really sick and noone could tell me what was wrong. I have a joint/ligament disease that we didn't know I had until I lost my muscle, so my joints dislocate really easy. It is painful and annoying but isn't that big of a deal. However, because of being sick, on top of the joint disease, I am constantly in pain. I wake up and have to force myself to breathe through it. I have learned to live with it and can carry out my day like nothing is wrong. DD works out just fine with all of this because I am a whole lot better now. The pain is there but dd doesn't make it worse. If I am having a bad day where the pain gets overwhelming, dd goes on hold. I JUST recently found out why I had been so sick. This is why I am bitter and angry. I have/had lyme disease. I could have avoided the past decade of just wishing God would let me die if my parents had taken me to the doctor when I first got sick. Now, since it has been so long, treatment most likely will not do anything. I have post lyme disease syndrome which means that the lyme disease is no longer active but the symptoms are. So, in short, I get to live like this for the rest of my life. I didn't want to admit that I was angry at my parents. That was 10 years ago. I can't change the past by being angry but I am beyond angry.

If I am being 100 percent honest with myself. I am bitter with my parents. I am mainly angry with my father but also my mother. My father was an overbearing abusive jerk, yet had he not been, I would have told them about what happened when I was 12. I would not have went through half of the things that I went through had they been available for me to speak to them. Had they been more attentive and taken me to a doctor, I would not be dealing with complicated Lyme disease 10 years after a tick bite. Had they been actual parents, my life would not have been quite so painful.

I also realize, had all of the crap that has happened, not have happened, I would never have met Seth, we would not have connected the way we did and I would not have married him so young. When I think of that, I am a little grateful for the things that I went through. I am blessed with a man who married me even though he knew I would be sick for the rest of my life. He deals with all my quirks and short comings and still thinks Im adorable. That is why I need to work so hard to let go of the things that cause me to be bitter. Those things do not deserve to take any of my attention away from my future that I have with Seth. The next 10 years will be better than the last and I must focus on that. I can find comfort in the fact that we both have survived so much as children, and still more as a couple. Together we can do anything so what ever life has in store, I am confident we will be just fine.

ps. I apologize if that came out rambly. My thoughts aren't fully together lately and this is my attempt to make sense out of everything.

Friday, September 19, 2014

New Beginning

I had it in mind at the beginning of my blogging experience that I would be consistent and blogging would be super helpful for getting my thoughts out and understanding myself more. I decided to start my blog over because Seth and I have to start over. Nothing will be the same and that is okay. Our normality got ripped away from us a few months ago and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have been in a constant state of terror for so long and I'm honestly tired. I am exhausted.

I am trying to deal with a whole lot of not knowing. I am not a control freak and can thrive on flying by the seat of my pants. I mold to change really well and what ever happens, everything will be okay. Although I know that, I am still sick and worried that something will go wrong. I worry over stupid things and I have put myself in a horrible situation these past few months.

What I do know is that we will be starting over once he gets home. That is both exciting and scary. We will be starting over with TTWD but also in a lot of other aspects. New house, new state, possibly new country. We actually get to skype now so we have gotten to talk over things and we both think that letting go of everything is the best course of action. So, tada, new blog posts.

I'm really not sure what to expect when he returns home. I trust him and know he has a good head on his shoulders but I get to live in a state of not knowing what the heck is going on. He hasn't been horribly clear on what he means and that is killing me. He said he would "do better" but I don't know what he means.

I think I want expectations and goals to work towards because everything else around me is not tied down. Nothing is safe, nothing is secure. I have a fault of not being horribly clear either. I want to hide my pain so that it doesn't look as bad as it is. If I am perfectly honest with myself, I am terrified. I am hurting and I am bitter. In no way am I bitter towards Seth. He is a blessing. He is amazing.

So, I have no clue how the next few months will go but I am going to be okay with that. I am getting back to blogging because it is a way for me to unscramble my thoughts. I am sure things will be more interesting once he returns but for now I just really need to get my thoughts and emotions in order so that when he does come home, we can start that new beginning on a solid foundation.